What defines who I am?

 How many times have you had to fill out the “Employer/Job” line on medical paperwork or answer the question, “So what do you do for a living?” I think our culture has a history of valuing work. Often, it can become the part of your life that defines who you are. Identity is defined as “the distinguishing character or personality of an individual” by Merriam-Webster’s dictionary. Identity. What defines your character or personality? I have heard another question that seems to pair with our need for something or someone to define our identity. Where do I belong? Is it my job, a sport, my friends or family that define my identity?

Ten years ago, I felt a strange shift in where I found my identity. I left my family, my hometown, the church I had attended since I became a Christian and was baptized, and my job to join my husband in the pursuit of his calling to become an aviation mechanic. I have moved every couple of years since, calling new towns my home. I have made new friends and left them behind or said goodbye as they left me behind. I have three children who were each born in a different state. I lost my place in the church- the way I was used to fitting in and serving others. None of these changes in my life circumstances changed who I was, but it was easy to feel like I had lost my identity.

When I am asked what my job currently is, the technical answer is “I am a missionary with Ethnos360 Aviation.” What is a missionary? Does that mean I live in a country different than the one in which I was born? Do I speak more than one language? Do I spend my time planning evangelistic outreaches, Bible studies, or build wells for poor communities? The truth is my life as a missionary doesn’t happen to have those distinctions. I live in rural Arizona with cows out to pasture right down the road from my house (ok sometimes the cows are ON the road). The only language I speak fluently is English, the language of my passport country. I have never participated in a building project for longer than one week and I don’t provide humanitarian relief or clean water as my typical work responsibilities.

What work does fill my time? I work from home on my computer part-time and function as a stay-at-home homeschool mom full-time. I know planning outreach events, Bible studies, and other programs are activities other moms have time and energy to accomplish in addition to their home and homeschool life. I have found my capacity to be much more limited than my dreams. Each year, I train my children and prepare them to have a little more responsibility and a little more independence in the hope that slowly my capacity to serve outside/beyond my family’s needs at home will increase.

Does who I work for define my identity? Ethnos360 is a non-profit organization with a vision to see a thriving church established in every people group around the world. I work for this organization because I share the vision and believe in the methods this organization chooses to accomplish the vision. However, I am not directly involved in living among an unreached people group to learn their language and culture or providing their supplies and transportation as a pilot and mechanic. I am not teaching the Bible as one continuous story written and preserved by God to people who have never heard from the Bible in their own language before. I am not translating God's word into the heart language of another ethnic group so they can understand God's word clearly. What distinction of character or personality can I derive from who I work for?

Do I even qualify as a missionary or a church planter with Ethnos360? Do I belong within an aviation ministry? Is this ministry, this job what defines me or give me a place to belong? The answer is NO. My identity cannot be found in what I do for a living or who I work for. My identity cannot be defined by the way I participate in a church program like VBS or what Bible study I lead. My identity does not come from my friends, my family, or my hometown. My identity has to be placed in someone or something constant and unchanging. My life is a good example of all the changes that can disrupt the way you view your identity. I have to look for my identity outside of myself and my changing circumstances. 

I'm learning to look to God for my identity. I trust what the Bible says about my identity because it is God's very words recorded to reveal who God is to mankind. The Bible says a lot about identity. I have learned that I was created by God. God gave me life and purpose. God established the way to work and the way to rest from work. The Bible also teaches that I was chosen by God and adopted into his family. I belong to God. I belong with God. Jesus Christ traded his life for my life so that I could belong in God's family.   I don't have to wonder about where I belong or what my identity is in because my identity is defined by God, not me. God is constant and unchanging. He chose to identify me as his own. His beloved child. 

I still get confused and try to define my identity by what I do or which group I belong to. But when I bring my thoughts back to the truth of what God says about my identity, I don't have anxiety, stress, and emptiness anymore. I don't feel the pressure to belong or try to fit in. I don't have to prove my worth and demand my rights. I am who God says I am: valued, loved, priceless, HIS. Are you?

Beautiful Wings

 The kids and I sometimes sing the classic song, "One in the bed and the little one said, "Roll over!" Do you remember how that song goes? 

At the end of this counting song, the "little one" who keeps announcing that the others should roll over finds himself or herself all alone in the bed. I normally think that final verse is a triumphant declaration that the "little one" enjoys no longer sharing the bed with all the others. In McNeal, our staff often feels a little of that transition as the team "rolls over" one family after another to fields of service overseas. Our staff at the international headquarters in McNeal has welcomed an average of three families for the past several years. Families arrive in late August for orientation and most families complete their training within nine months. Some pilots are invited to complete additional training as a helicopter pilot once their fixed-wing training is complete.

Our family has been able to rejoice with three families each of the last two years as they completed training and raised the needed financial support to move to their field assignment overseas. We recently enjoyed a sermon from Acts 12 in which the church which Barnabas and Saul (Paul) served as teachers and leaders were given the instruction to send these men on God's mission, to bring the gospel to those who had not yet heard. The pastor recognized the hard task of investing in the life of another for the purpose of sending them to bear fruit somewhere else.  Every time another family becomes a part of our lives and leaves for another field of ministry, a part of our hearts travels with them.

This month, we celebrate the one year anniversary of dear friends arriving in the Philippines. We miss the Thursday morning playdates and deep conversations about parenting.  A few weeks before, another family arrived in Papua New Guinea to join five other families - all of whom completed training and began serving the field within the last three years. These are pilots and mechanics who worked side by side with David every day. These are moms who homeschooled their kindergarteners alongside Allison and cheered when Joelle learned to enjoy reading. These are the "best" friends with whom we celebrate birthdays in person now and then we let go and let them meet new best friends.

Each summer we let go and each fall we open our hearts again knowing that it will be worth the investment. It isn't easy being called to be a "sender", a trainer, a mentor. It isn't easy being a youth leader, a coach, a teacher, a parent, a pastor.  It would be easier to focus on the tasks of the training and leave out the part in which we share lives, dreams, faith, hope, and love. If we live like that, we will miss out on the rich privilege God has given us: to be part of his family, a temple made of living stones (1 Peter 2). If we close our hearts to the people God brings into ministry through training with Ethnos360 Aviation, we will miss the privilege of praying for these pilots and mechanics, their wives, their children. 

We are joining together in the spiritual war of advancing on enemy territory with the good news about freedom from sin and darkness.   David and I are reading with our kids through the book of Romans. In chapter 10, Paul writes, "But how can they call on him to save them unless they believe in him? And how can they believe in him if they have never heard about him? And how can they hear about him unless someone tells them?  And how will anyone go and tell them without being sent? That is why the Scriptures say, “How beautiful are the feet of messengers who bring good news!”  Our teammates are traveling to places that are extremely difficult to reach by foot, but the fruit of their labor is still very beautiful. What a privilege to partner with them and encourage these families as we send them to bring good news so many can call on and believe in our Savior, Jesus.

So when the end of this year's training comes and we face another "roll over" of graduates in May and new families in August, we will still open our hearts and our homes to the people God sends through McNeal to the ends of the earth. Why? Because Jesus is worthy and we want to see "a great multitude that no one could number from every nation, from all tribes and peoples and languages, standing before the throne and before the Lamb". Together, we will worship Jesus who has been with us through every transition we have faced and has never left us singing alone.

Am I willing to be second?

Transition in life is hard. Few of us really enjoy change, do we? Sure, we thrive on diversity, seek out variety, wear three to five outfits in one day, but we rarely look for transition from what we find comfortable to something new. How many times have we "upgraded" our technology and struggled to adjust to the new system? Who has held onto a nasty old couch or recliner because it is so comfortable that you hate to throw it out?

I do not acclimate to change well. God has brought some wonderful changes into my life in the past eight years. It seems like a whirlwind of transition. I've been through job changes, change of marital status, multiple moves, new homes, new friends, new churches, new bosses, new state regulations and officials.  I'm sure you have experienced some of the same transition before. My husband once said I was adjusting well. I think he stopped saying that after the second move to a new state, new job, new church, new friends, new baby transition.

Can I be honest? The hardest part of transition is humility. Jesus says we must deny ourselves or, as the New Living Translation puts it, "turn from your selfish ways" (Matthew 16:24, Mark 8:34, Luke 9:23).  Jesus is quoted identically in all three of those gospels,

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me."

The question I have to ask myself is "Am I willing to be second?" The difficult fact about following someone is that I don't decide what it is that I imitate or where I follow them. I don't get to be in charge. That doesn't fit with my opinion of myself and my wonderful ability to make decisions and get things done. I want to be the one to lead the pack, set the pace, and determine what will be accomplished, in what order, and by whom.  

Is that what I am commanded to deny? What about myself do I need to throw aside so I have the strength and grace to carry a cross?

Marriage is a good example. I am learning on a daily basis how much selfishness is revealed in my heart because I got married. The excuse that this person has to love me, serve me, care for my needs because they are family has been stripped away.  This person didn't "have" to do any of those things. My husband chooses to love me, serve me, and care for my needs every day. So do I return the sentiment?  How selfish am I to refuse to serve my husband, sacrifice my desires and needs for his, and expend my energy caring for him? Didn't I make a vow to do that?
It's despicable but it's true. There are plenty of days I don't want to love him because....

I don't want to serve him when I feel.... 

He doesn't deserve my concern and care when he.... Does it really matter? 

The truth is that I pledged "to have and to hold, to honor and to cherish, to love and to serve..." until death parts us from each other. There is no clause allowing me to abandon that covenant because I don't feel like it or he doesn't return the favor.

In our current transition, my struggle to adjust has centered around my rebellion against denying myself and taking up my cross.  It surprises me that the cross I don't want to bear is nothing dangerous or monumental. I struggle with the purpose to which Christ has called me, to serve. In this season of life, I am called to serve my husband and my family as a homemaker and wife. Is that so difficult? What is the challenge there?  Thoughts of these verses come to mind to correct my perspective a little.
Mark 10:45 "For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
John 13:12-17
"12 After washing their feet, he put on his robe again and sat down and asked, “Do you understand what I was doing? 13 You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and you are right, because that’s what I am. 14 And since I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other’s feet. 15 I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you. 16 I tell you the truth, slaves are not greater than their master. Nor is the messenger more important than the one who sends the message. 17 Now that you know these things, God will bless you for doing them."

The challenge for me about serving my husband is rooted in my pride. Doing laundry, washing dishes, and cooking dinner on time seems like such a mundane, unimportant way to bring glory to God. I can't be impacting the Kingdom of God from the kitchen, can I? How can God use me to make disciples if I never leave the house? What if the only time I leave the house is to shop for groceries??

Who wants to follow that example?

The sermons we have heard in church over the last few weeks have focused on having a faith worth imitating. The apostle Paul exhorted the Corinthian church to "imitate me just as I imitate Christ" in 1 Corinthians 11:1. The ultimate goal is that the believers in Corinth would imitate Christ, but Paul was the visible example of who they were following, the imitation of Christ that those believers had experienced personally.

Who wants to follow someone whose imitation of Christ is most often experienced in cleaning bathrooms and washing uniforms, or whose hands are cracked from constantly being in dishwater? It is way more exciting to fix an airplane.  You might agree that it is extremely important to fly an airplane into a remote jungle village or through mountain ravines to rescue someone and transport them to the hospital. Nurses participate in saving lives on a daily basis!  Other people use business skills to provide their communities with basic necessities and job opportunities. Some people risk their lives just sharing the gospel message with a person of another religious background.

Those are all ways of serving. Why can't I serve in the adventurous areas?  I know that God has commanded all believers to make disciples. I just don't see how to make a disciple "as I am going" when the places I go to are so mundane and limited! A dear friend reminded me this is short sighted. As we look at each moment of being a Christ follower, we are also to look at the big picture of Heaven and realize that when you honor God with your life in the little details you are being a disciple. "The one who is faithful in a very little thing is also faithful in much; and the one who is unrighteous in a very little thing is also unrighteous in much." Luke 16:10 NASB

I knew when I made the decision to accept my husband's proposal of marriage that I would have to sacrifice my dreams of how I would serve in ministry. I also realized that marriage to my husband meant following where his ministry would lead. His ministry direction has always been different than mine. That does not mean we have been unable to serve together in certain ways. However, my husband's greatest spiritual gift is serving others to enable their gifts to thrive. It can be challenging to support and join in a ministry that is serving and supporting everyone else!  I am learning that the calling to serve often requires me to lay aside the ministry I wanted to accomplish in order to support and strengthen another person's ministry.  My husband is teaching me how to serve as he imitates Christ and how Christ served. Jesus Christ is teaching me how to submit to the will of the Father as I learn to serve my husband and help his ministry thrive (doing the dishes, cooking dinner, etc).

Will God enable me to follow Christ's example? I think my role as homemaker and wife may be more fitting to that calling than I want to admit. Can God bring women into my kitchen who need to see an example of imitating Christ's act of service and sacrificial love? Absolutely. Right now, I'm in the process of an attitude adjustment so I can be ready to accurately reflect that kind of humility. Today, I will bring glory to God as I learn to cheerfully submit to my role and perform my service, starting with cleaning the kitchen sink.  First thing tomorrow morning I will clean the public bathrooms in our event hall after a large group event. This may not be the glorious mission I envisioned God would call me to. I may have cried myself to sleep last night. But I am going to choose humility and gratitude for what Jesus sacrificed to be obedient to his Father, God, and thank him with my cleaning services. Who will join me?

Philippians 2:5-11
5 You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.
6 Though he was God,
he did not think of equality with God
as something to cling to.
7 Instead, he gave up his divine privileges;
he took the humble position of a slave
and was born as a human being.
When he appeared in human form,
8 he humbled himself in obedience to God
and died a criminal’s death on a cross.

9 Therefore, God elevated him to the place of highest honor
and gave him the name above all other names,
10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11 and every tongue declare that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.