Bloom in the desert

 I wanted to include a picture of the prettiest yellow flower that volunteered to bloom in our yard the first week we lived in McNeal, Arizona. Unfortunately, it died before I took the photo. I found a different flower. Even in a drought year there is still the possibility of flowers in the midst of barrenness. Anything else you see growing on the McNeal center is the result of diligent watering. Who knew you could have a beautiful grass lawn or a garden in the desert?

I feel like the contrast of bare dirt, patches of weeds (most of which poke and impale you), and flowers is a picture of my personal life. I have a lot of barrenness in my heart: places where what I chose to believe has led to attitudes and choices that display ugliness and death. But Jesus has begun the process of watering my heart with his truth. The more water I receive, the more growth can happen in my barren desert. 

There are so many areas of life that Jesus is watering in 2020. I think I've been feeling like ground that has been growing weeds so long it hurts to uproot these things. Some of the deepest roots shoot up and wave in the breeze during seasons of stress and transition. Our current career really creates the opportunity to grow some weeds! The past two years we have moved twice, spent every December and June through August living out of suitcases in someone else's home, and facing a variety of changes in family size and community. We have said so many goodbyes, made new friends, said goodbye again, and enjoyed reconnecting with friends from previous seasons. 

Kind women ask how my family is handling the transition. Not well is usually my answer. The kids are not sleeping soundly. No one is calm and well rested. Stress abounds as we hurry to get settled and unpacked, can't find what we had packed several months ago, wonder which state or home we left some possession in, try to figure out where to buy the foods we can eat (special allergies make life different every location), and adjust our expectations. 

If you have moved towns or states, you understand these realities. New doctors, new stores, new acronyms for state/government functions. Is it the DMV, MVD, or BMV that does car registration? We cling to the few things that remain a constant: God, his words in the Bible, our family of four, and creation. Even the necessities of life change in a move. Do you need pizza as a staple in your house? What about tamales? Do you use a public restroom that provides toilet paper or do you have to bring your own? Is clean (or any) water readily available or do you have to drill deep for a well?

How do you handle major life changes? Our family is learning how deeply we need God's word to be a part of every day. We need to remind ourselves of his presence and his promise to be with us wherever we go. We have to stop and read his Word or quote the part of the Bible we remember speaks to our sadness in the middle of the moments when we just don't like one more difficult thing to figure out.

This transition has been very difficult for our family. Among the temper tantrums, lack of green things, blistering heat, and new relationships, God continually reminds us that this is the place he wants our family to dwell. He placed us in a home that allows parents and children to have their own personal space when we get upset and need time to think or pray. He set us under leadership that reminds us through their words and their example of the privilege and expectation we have from God to "honor one another above yourselves." He provided indoor and outdoor means to allow our kids to let out their energy and stress through play. He provided us with mentors who have listening ears and hearts that have wrestled with God's word and responded in obedience over the years.

I think I grew up with the misconception that life was supposed to be comfortable and easy if you do the right thing. Unfortunately, I think this is one of the ways Satan has taken the truth of God and twisted it to a deceptive and attractive alternative. The best life is a content life that is dependent on the Creator God who gives us life itself-life abundant, life eternal, life complete. Contentment doesn't depend on our circumstances (how our day is going, whether we are where we wanted to be, whether our plans worked out or our goals were accomplished). Contentment is much more stable an attitude than worry because it is based on our God and his character; who he is and what he has and will accomplish does not change. 

Our God is dependable and he intends for us to depend on him. I have been reading through Deuteronomy about God's instructions to the Israelites. My two favorite things about this book are related: God reveals the reasons why he led Israel through the wilderness in chapters 5-8 and he gives reasons for various instructions for living in community. God is giving the Israelites a glimpse of how to accept and enjoy the life he has planned for them.

I am learning the secret of being content (Philippians 4:11-13) is God himself. God led the Israelites through a difficult experience that required trust and endurance. But this experience was purposeful and intentional. Read Deuteronomy 8:2-6 God did not design life to be bleak, empty, and full of strife. Neither did God design man to live independent of relationship with God himself or separate from other humans. Relationships are beautiful and rich, but here in our sin-twisted world, relationships are messy. Relationships require me to be crying out to God and seeking to let his power be at work in my life and his truth replace the lies. I am learning that the relationships I persevere in and continue to fight for are the most rewarding and valuable relationships I have. They teach me that what is easy is not what is most often best; they teach me to depend on God to accomplish the impossible and to adore how he can give grace when I am inadequate. Messy but humble and dependent on God-I choose relationships that will point out how much we all need God's gift of salvation through Jesus Christ, his grace and forgiveness. I want to learn to be content depending on God to change my barrenness. I choose to bloom in the desert. This is a daily choice and a long, costly commitment. 

There are plenty of things that could squelch the growth and beauty of a heart surrendered to depend on Jesus. But there is one thing that has become obvious in a month of living in the desert. All it takes is enough water to resurrect life. I'm heading to the living water and source of life (John 4:10-14): Jesus and his Words. 

Will you join me?

Unfailing Love and Tantrums

 

I am confident that God knows our weaknesses. Psalm 103 says that he is tender and compassionate like a Father is with his children. Verse 14 and following describe us like grass that withers and dies and is blown away by the wind. Out in the desert, that picture is a vivid daily reminder of how fragile we humans are.

My emotions are fragile, raw, edgy. I often don't know what to post because I need to refrain from sharing the rawness of my heart. I want to be real and transparent, to be accountable to those who care for our family and pray for our work. God knows the fragility of my emotions. The Psalm continues that the unfailing love of the Lord remains forever with those who fear him and he extends salvation to me, to my children, when I/we choose him.

God is gracious and compassionate with me. I know he is bringing our family through each of these stages of transition to teach us our need for him and to remind us of how gentle he is when we are fragile and feeling blown away. I need these trials of many kinds to test and prove my faith will endure the fire, prove to me that God will make my faith stronger through each trial no matter how mundane the trial seems. This week the trial is testing my obedience to love sacrificially. I lost sleep every night to comfort my son through the wee hours of the morning. I stayed up making food and doing dishes so I could give the kids time to explore our neighborhood in the mornings. I made breakfast for our family at 6am in the morning and sent David off with fresh coffee. I bathed kids and washed laundry after multiple accidents. I even slept on the floor in our four year old's room last night. I have been screamed at and endured other harsh comments from my child who is learning to live without naps. I have responded like I was the child dropping a nap. Does this sound familiar to you? Does this sound like the way that Jesus loved his disciples and those who nailed him to a cross? Does this sound like the sacrificial love Jesus showed me on that cross?

Through each painful and tear filled day, I keep thinking that what God wants to teach me is so simple and so hard. I cannot make the situation easier. I cannot change the things that I wish were different or go back to life before this move and this career. I cannot make life better by jumping ship and leaving all this difficulty behind. I have a choice to make, a simple but incredibly hard choice. I need to choose joy. I need to choose gratitude. I need to choose to believe I can trust God to be choosing what is best for me and for my family.

I am choosing to love my family through my actions and my tone of voice. I am choosing to be gentle and patient with wildly distraught children. I am choosing to change from quick anger to slow responses. I am choosing to change from bitter resentment to what I can thank God for providing in his incredible goodness. I am choosing to stop throwing temper tantrums when I don't get to choose what my day holds or how my family responds and love them with actions and grace.

God is asking me to choose to control what he has placed within my control : my attitude, my words, my tone of voice. God is asking me to trust him with the rest.

I've heard our daughter express several times this week the sentiments that God is challenging me to reverse in my thinking:

"I wish this were not that way"

"I don't like the things you choose for me! I wish you would let me do what I want to do"

I am learning from my own words as I teach my toddlers to choose joy.

Still, the three of us (really every human) are slow to trust and find change very hard. We are fragile.

God is slow to anger and filled with unfailing love for us.

God is slow to anger and filled with unfailing love for you. Do you trust him?