Holding Out Open Hands

Over the past year, David and I have been building a habit of praying together daily. Often, I have found myself praying that God would help us hold our (fill the blank) with open hands. The request might change day to day, month to month, from money, to possessions, to where we live or what we do. Something about the idea of open hands has been developing as a theme throughout the past several months, even years. It comes up in conversation; we hear illustrations in sermons; someone encourages us with words of wisdom; I end up searching Google images for graphic illustrations of open hands. I have personally seen God repeat a theme that he is teaching me over and over in a variety of settings so that I begin to grasp what this truth means and how to apply it. God uses these "teachable moments" to prepare me for some part of my journey he's written but has not yet revealed.

For me, God began a few years ago to teach me about surrender. I am a planner, a visionary, a little bit fear driven by the thought that if I don't take initiative quickly, I might never care enough to move or do the next scary thing. One of the drawbacks to this reactionary lifestyle has been making plans for myself that don't match those of my heavenly Father. It is a scary thing to have no control, no ideas, no plan for the future. Or so I thought. I have come to find it is actually scarier to hold onto control so hard I was actually fighting off God's control of my life. It became harder and harder to enjoy life or be satisfied in it when I had to wrestle and fight to hold onto what I wanted the future to look like. Two summers ago, I was reading a book by Mark Batterson called Wild Goose Chase. I thought it would be about how difficult and illusive it is to discern the will of God. Instead, I found that the book focused on the challenge and thrill of taking the risk to let go: let go of your plans, dreams, expectations and embrace where the Holy Spirit is leading you. In some ways, it reminds me of a quote from the Chronicles of Narnia about Aslan,

“He'll be coming and going" he had said. "One day you'll see him and another you won't. He doesn't like being tied down--and of course he has other countries to attend to. It's quite all right. He'll often drop in. Only you mustn't press him. He's wild, you know. Not like a tame lion.”

― C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

The Holy Spirit is "not a tame" being; he is the powerful, sovereign, and completely generous God.
“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver; “don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”

― C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
Favorite books have a habit of making themselves useful to drive home your point.

First, God taught me to surrender my plan to be married: whether I would ever marry, who I married, how long I would be married. Even inherent in my marital status was the imminent possibility that I might never bear or raise children.
In the midst of the twist and turns that brought David into my life, God asked me to give up or give him my hopes and dreams to serve in full-time ministry. Then, he asked me to give him my current job. I was 28, living with my mom, and choosing to end my employment. Then, God told me to travel to Germany to serve at an English camp by myself and with no time to raise support. Within a few months, I quit my job, started a part-time position at my church, traveled to two countries, participated on two missions trips, and started dating a man I had only met 3 months before. Was this what I had planned for my future? You've got to be kidding me!
I gained so much joy from those months of learning about surrender. Even the year that followed as I grew to know and love my husband were filled with choices to surrender what I thought should happen and embrace what God knew would be the best life.

Lately, the theme of letting go or opening your hands has been resurrecting in the sermon illustrations or applications at my home church. One pastor talked about how the disciples left everything when Jesus invited them to follow him. He gave the illustration of holding out your clenched fists face up, turning them over and opening your hands to "let go of the nets (and whatever you have trapped in them)". Up until that point, I had envisioned open hands being held face up, a posture of worship and adoration or of offering something up to God. I realized how easy it would be to clench those fists back around what you were trying to give up instead of letting it go. If your hands are turned over and then opened, you drop what you were holding and it becomes much harder to pick it back up.
Another pastor recently spoke about Jesus' statement that " “If anyone wants to become my follower, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me." Matthew 16:24 Our pastor captured the repetition of the word must from what Jesus had been telling the disciples in the previous verses. Jesus himself had a mission he MUST complete- to be killed, buried, and to be raised again. What Jesus had said he MUST do, he did. The statement about what we MUST do will, no question, happen as well.
Such a simple observation: This statement is an if/then clause. If anyone wants to follow Jesus, then he MUST deny himself-surrender, let go, open their hands.... Funny thing: if you reverse the statements in the if/then clause, you get an interesting result. If anyone does NOT deny himself, then he will NOT be following Jesus.

So, in answer to my prayer for open hands, here is a list of what God has asked David and I to let go of over the last six months.

• Our jobs 
• Our home/privacy and independence 
• Our income 
• Being close to my family 
• My role in the local church or current ministry purpose 
• My identity as a career woman/ministry leader 
• The timing on our move and transition to the mission field 
• What "needs" we desire be met 
• serving alongside close friends 
• needs among family members and close friends 

And yet, I can list just as many things he has given us in return

• hope 
• joy 
• love 
• special moments with friends and family 
• phone calls or emails to catch up 
• strengthened relationship as husband and wife 
• answered prayer 
• a place to live 
• purpose that is not tied to what I do but what he has done 
• new friends in far away places 
• a ministry to work towards and look forward to 
• a place to serve among people who delight in God like we long to 
• more witnessing opportunities than before 
• relationships that bear fruit 
• giving generously only to receive generous gifts 
• every need met 

I am getting the idea that I'd rather have open hands for God to use or discard whatever I have because I have seen his will turn out best. It is time to exercise those phalanges and metacarpals.